Friday, October 12, 2007

UNHEALTHY CHILDHOOD LIFE

I was 6 years old at that time, when my cousin attempted to molest me while I was sleeping. He did not succeed because I was able to wake up and box his face. Without any word he went out of the house as if nothing happened. The following day I confronted him without fear and got angry at him. I was able to suppress and forget that traumatic incident. However, something happened again that made me remember it. At the age of 13 I encountered sexual harassment from a fellow passenger in a bus. The man touched my right breast but this time I was not able to defend myself. I was weakened by fears and could not fight back to protect myself from his abusive act. Those experiences made me become bitter, angry and there was really rage deep inside my heart. I had a hard time processing myself. Forgiveness was quite impossible to give. Those people ruined my wonderful life. Praying and begging for justice was my cry. I told my God to bring them the worst punishment they deserve. "I want revenge Oh Lord, please bring them downfall, ruin their lives more than my ruined life. I was afraid to tell my parents and friends about my bad experiences. I only had my God to talk to until my heart got tired of asking for retaliation. Then finally I gave up hatred and gradually forgive the people who hurt me. I never blame myself for experiencing those things. However, I somehow blame my parents for not being there to protect me. I learned that children suffer from the shortcomings of their parents and of the people around them. My relationship with God gave me strength to find peace inside and free myself from anger. I was broken into pieces in the past but now I am whole again. I was able to forgive myself and was able to accept that those miseries were neither my fault nor my parents' fault. I love myself and I am not anymore in the prison cell of hatred. I learned that unless I let go of my anger I will never learn to love others. Life is beautiful. Healed from my inner struggles in the past, this time I am sure that I will be able to love others unconditionally.