Saturday, September 22, 2007


Early one morning, I woke up from a dream of a childhood crush, a grade six classmate. I was at that time feeling very heavy deep inside. So I got out from bed and knelt down to say my morning prayers (i prayed for my crush also). Although, I was feeling sick and did not like going to school, I still forced myself to attend classes. Just before I enter the University I pass by the church and again for the second time knelt in prayers. Since I still had an hour before my first class would start, I chose to get inside the school library to read my notes there. Suddenly, a former elementary classmate appeared to my site. She asked me to join her and so we sat in the corner and chatted for almost 30 minutes. We were talking about our elementary years. And I tried asking questions that would lead to getting information about my childhood crush. I asked her if she had highlights of our previous batch mates' whereabouts and career choices. She shared a lot of things then she mentioned about the death of a batch mate. "Kaila ka ni Manuel S. (MS my crush' name), our batch mate?" she asked. And i answered "Yeah of course i know him". "Do you know that he died last month" that was her next line. "Are you sure? Si Manuel patay na?!!!!, where did you get that information?" but why? what happen to him? “Those were my questions of surprise and disbelief.” "Yeah it’s Manuel S.; his death was even published in the newspaper last month”, she insisted.
Then she shared to me the whole story, the gunman shot Manuel S. that eventually killed him on the spot. The killing was said to be a form of retaliation. The gunman was formerly a Muntinlupa prisoner, he served his sentence for a number of years, he came back to Cebu for a revenge against Manuel's father (a policeman) who was the one who caught him that brought him to conviction and imprisonment.

I was so down and so sad internally but I could not express those feelings in front of my friend because she didn't know that Manuel was my crush. I had to excuse myself and rushed back to the church. For the third time I knelt down in prayers. I cried so hard, I had mix emotions; I told myself that the news was just part of my dream. But I had to comfort myself and allowed myself to calm down because I still have to go back to the school to attend my first class.

That was one of the saddest moments of my life. It was not easy for me to accept the truth that he is gone and that he will not anymore come back. It took almost one year before I was able to recover from grief, pain and loss. I was affected because there were a lot of memorable and unforgettable experiences between me and the person in the past. And those childhood memories happened to be an unfinished business to me. Although, I was not able to visit his grave because I do not know whom to ask where it is located still I always include his name every time I offer holy mass for the souls in purgatory.

Here's Saint Dominic's comforting line when he experienced death of a friend: (this line also comforted me) "He journeyed first because he has to prepare a place for me in heaven just right beside him."

(i remembered him telling the whole class that his name is a shortcut from the word EMMANUEL (God with us). For six years i dwell on my memories with him, it was my belief and wish that at the age of 23 our paths would cross each other. my world was spinning around him (which was really not good). We were classmates in the SY 1993-1994 and he died on July 1999, my dream happened on August 1999 and on the same day I received news that he is already dead). i believe that he is right now watching over his family and friends here on earth. i am sure he is in now heaven.


Ni said...

Hi, I read your note and I was crying. I had the same experience with you. I had a crush with my classmate on my fifth grades, during high school I have to move to another city because of family trouble. Since then, I never met him. six months ago, his twin brother called my home and ask about me. I called him back and ask about his brother and he told that he was dead about a month ago from car accident. I was dreaming about him every single night and its drained me physically and emotionally. I was in shocked when I heard that. I wanted to contact him many times but I was hesitant and I dont know there was no time left. Now I only have myself to be blamed for unfinish business.

I learn from this that when you love someone, tell them, dont wait until tommorow, because tommorow it may never come.

Goodbless you and thank you for sharing the story you have.

weng said...

thank you also for reading my post. when i was in grade six i never wish to tell my crush that i like him (maybe love him hahahhahaha). it was a secret that i kept for six long years and i revealed that to my family and close friends only after his death.i understand that we're too young and did not have the courage to tell someone we like or love about our feelings. i believe that our crushes understand that fact as well. honestly there were many questions at the back of my mind after we parted ways because after our graduation i studied in all girls high school and he also transferred exclusive for boys high school. questions like "did my crush have the same feeling? is it true that he likes me?

these are some of the questions that i wish were answered by him.

weng said...

let us both move on and leave our past behind. i believe that someone will love you and take good care of you for the rest of your life. those days where just a highlight of our lives because what we felt were unusual feelings, to be attracted towards opposite sex was definitely a new feeling to us. no more heartaches , no more pains, smile please. open yourself to the abundance of blessings, LOVE and joy this new year!