TODAY OCTOBER 1, 2007 is the feast day of SAINT THERESE OF THE CHILD JESUSEarly one morning, I woke up from a dream of a childhood crush, a grade six classmate. I was at that time feeling very heavy deep inside. So I got out from bed and knelt down to say my morning prayers (i prayed for my crush also). Although, I was feeling sick and did not like going to school, I still forced myself to attend classes. Just before I enter the University I pass by the church and again for the second time knelt in prayers. Since I still had an hour before my first class would start, I chose to get inside the school library to read my notes there. Suddenly, a former elementary classmate appeared to my site. She asked me to join her and so we sat in the corner and chatted for almost 30 minutes. We were talking about our elementary years. And I tried asking questions that would lead to getting information about my childhood crush. I asked her if she had highlights of our previous batch mates' whereabouts and career choices. She shared a lot of things then she mentioned about the death of a batch mate. "Kaila ka ni Manuel S. (MS my crush' name), our batch mate?" she asked. And i answered "Yeah of course i know him". "Do you know that he died last month" that was her next line. "Are you sure? Si Manuel patay na?!!!!, where did you get that information?" but why? what happen to him? “Those were my questions of surprise and disbelief.” "Yeah it’s Manuel S.; his death was even published in the newspaper last month”, she insisted.
Then she shared to me the whole story, the gunman shot Manuel S. that eventually killed him on the spot. The killing was said to be a form of retaliation. The gunman was formerly a Muntinlupa prisoner, he served his sentence for a number of years, he came back to Cebu for a revenge against Manuel's father (a policeman) who was the one who caught him that brought him to conviction and imprisonment.
I was so down and so sad internally but I could not express those feelings in front of my friend because she didn't know that Manuel was my crush. I had to excuse myself and rushed back to the church. For the third time I knelt down in prayers. I cried so hard, I had mix emotions; I told myself that the news was just part of my dream. But I had to comfort myself and allowed myself to calm down because I still have to go back to the school to attend my first class.
That was one of the saddest moments of my life. It was not easy for me to accept the truth that he is gone and that he will not anymore come back. It took almost one year before I was able to recover from grief, pain and loss. I was affected because there were a lot of memorable and unforgettable experiences between me and the person in the past. And those childhood memories happened to be an unfinished business to me. Although, I was not able to visit his grave because I do not know whom to ask where it is located still I always include his name every time I offer holy mass for the souls in purgatory.
Here's Saint Dominic's comforting line when he experienced death of a friend: (this line also comforted me) "He journeyed first because he has to prepare a place for me in heaven just right beside him."
(i remembered him telling the whole class that his name is a shortcut from the word EMMANUEL (God with us). For six years i dwell on my memories with him, it was my belief and wish that at the age of 23 our paths would cross each other. my world was spinning around him (which was really not good). We were classmates in the SY 1993-1994 and he died on July 1999, my dream happened on August 1999 and on the same day I received news that he is already dead). i believe that he is right now watching over his family and friends here on earth. i am sure he is in now heaven.
Sa closing sa Bogo Elementary School,13 years ago. Naninda mi ug ice candy ug dougnuts. May nipalit nga lalaki, ako unta mo hatag sa ice candy pero pag tan-aw nako gi chicken pox man. Gabutlog butlog na iyang nawong ug mga bukton. Unya nakatawa ko sa iyang hitsura. Wla gyud nako tuyo-a nga nakatawa ko, ug murag nalain siya. Akong ate baw na ug tan-aw nako. Gidali-dali nako ug liso akong ulo ni Nang Nady ang buang nga nagsuroy suroy atong higayona nga nag mugna sad ug iyang pasundayag. Ug nagkatawa pa gipahon ko sa maong lalaki nga gi chicken pox. Nangutana akong ate shing "ngano nagsige man ka ug katawa?" ni tubag sab ko "kataw-anan man kaayo si Nang Nady" (namakak jud ko). Ug ni ingun si Shing "ay nalang kai klaro kaayo nga gikataw-an to nimo ang gi chicken pox nga nipalit, nanaway jud ka ato". Ug gi kumbinsir jud nako si shing " Dili oi si Nang Nady lagi akong gikataw-an (strike 2 nga pamakak).
Ug ang Karma:
After one week sukad ato, gi chicken pox bitaw ko mas grabe pa ug mas dagko pa nga butlog butlog sa lalaki nga akong gi kataw-an. Wla gud koi gawas gawas sa amo. Gi quarantine nako akong kaugalingon sa kwarto. Naguol gyud ko ug nisamot pa gyud kai gi ingnan ko ni shing " da tan-awa gigabaan nka sa lalaki nga imong gikataw-an". Sa akong kaguol ug kahadlok nga nagabaan ko nag sorry jud ko sa Ginoo, " Lord imo gyud d-i ko gigabaan ato, nakatawa man ko gud dili man gyud mapugngan" sorry kaayo ingna nalang to ang lalaki nga akong gikataw-an nga sorry, ug nagrosary pa jud nga nagluhod atubangan sa altar. Wla ra gyud nako tan-awa akong nawong sa samin kai mahadlok ko. heheheh buanga gyud ato nga experience pero mao tingali to ang gitawag nga karma. Ug ang ebidensya nga nakarma ko mao ang mga uwat sa chicken pox nga maklaro pa hangtod karon. Ug ang kining gasuwat wla pa gyud ni tagam:
3 years after sa closing gihapon sa Bogo Elementary School: Naay lalaki cge gyud ug tutuk ni lory, dayon ni shing, dayon nako. Na uncomfortable gyud ming tulo. Imbis adto sya mo tan-aw sa stage di-in may nanag sayaw ug kanta, dire man sa amoa nag sige ug tan-aw wla nalang mi naka concentrate sa among pagtan-aw sa mga pasundayag. Mao nga lagot na kaayo ko ug si shing, si lory way paki deadma lang niya. Pero ang mga tawo sad nga naa sa among kilid sige sad ug ingun basin manglumay daw (huh? lumay jud). Mao ni suway ug duol si shing pero ni distansya lang siya kai nahadlok man. ug iya gi ingnan " na buang ka?", pero wla man tingali kadungog ang maong lalaki kai padayon man gihapon ug tutuk ni shing, lory nako then vice versa nasad. Ang mga tawo sa kilid lain nasad ug huna huna "unggo daw" patakdan tingali mi (kuyaw sad kaayo ug huna-huna ang mga tawo sa bukid). Mao kai naglagot naman ko, giduol nko ang tawo ug akong gipangutana sa masuk-anon nga tingog " nganong sige man ka ug tan-aw namo? " ug ni ingun ang maong tao " wla oi " , ". Ug akong gi tubag " unsay wala!, bakakon ka!". (maayoha gyud nako mangita ug sayop, may gani iyaha strike one ra ako kai strike two gyud) Ug nilakaw ang maong tawo, nahanaw sa among panan-aw. Si Nanay Lisa gipa konsensya ko gi ingnan ko nga basin daw Ginoo to unya ako lang gikasab-an. Pero ni rason jud ko " dili gyud to Ginoo Nay kai namakak gud to".
Ug kai nahadlok man ko nga ma karma nasad mao nag pray nasad, nagsorry nasad ko sa Ginoo, "please Lord ayaw intawn ko gaba-i parehas sa una."May gani wla nako nakarma.
Karma in Christian Perspective means that God punishes the wicked or those who have done wrong. Thus becoming aware of his/her own faults may lead to guilt feelings. My conscience pinch me oftentimes. A friend told me that it is because of my tendency to obediently follow religious norms that i seemed to live and think idealistically. I tend to judge people whether they are upright or not. I always seek righteousness and view my God as harsh.
In psychological perspective, guilt feelings become unhealthy if secondary responses occur, like depression, perfectionist syndrome and feelings of uneasiness. Guilt is caused by thinking that you have done something wrong. You think you have done something wrong because you judge yourself or someone else judges you.
In Catholic perspective, guilt is felt because God is seen as a God of justice in the sense that He will punish those who deliberately refuse to repent of their wickedness and wrongdoings. Karma is an outbreak of the cry for justice. However, God is believed to be a God of mercy. He takes no pleasure in the death of the wicked and often delays His judgments in the hope of repentance.
To reconcile psychological and catholic perspective:
Human beings are not perfect. We have our areas of weakness and God knows them very well. We stumble at one point, we ask forgiveness, and He forgives. We stumble again, we repent and He forgives. Again we offend our God, we admit our mistakes and repent and His arms are still wide open to embrace and forgive us. He is a loving and merciful God and He is not harsh. You will one day be surprised that you are already attracted to Him as you learn your lessons.
"But i don't deserve His love and forgiveness? But isn't that true of life in general? We don't deserve his love and forgiveness. We are not worthy. But what do we do with a God that loves us recklessly? Just say yes to undeserved love."(Bo Sanchez)
Eight years ago, I remember celebrating her birthday with so much preparation (not in terms of food). Sometime in the year 1999 I made a poster with her picture and cut out letters arranged this way "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA MARY". I had that poster kept for almost 8 years already. Since then, I would post it in my room every September 8. The first time I made that birthday greeting poster I told my siblings to write their wishes and prayer requests to Mama Mary in a small piece of paper. I told them to have faith that they're going to receive what they ask. I presented and offered all of our wishes to Mama Mary during my rosary. Then I read one by one what my siblings wrote. I was shocked to read my younger brother's wish, he wrote: 
